Sometimes a battle in pop culture has a clear winner. VHS beat Betamax. Blu-Ray beat HD-DVD. Coke beat Pepsi, and with the added bragging right of not tasting like hobo taint.
Other times there's no clear consensus. Was Cheers better with Coach or Woody? Alien or Aliens? AskJeeves or Lycos?
|I also realized that the first embedded image in a blog becomes the default thumbnail for online searches.|
I think we should take a stand on this subset. There's no reason to pay lip service to the idea that one side of some hilariously lopsided pop culture disagreement even has a chance just because we want to look fair.
So today I'm taking a stand, a "why on earth are we even talking about this like it's a choice!?" declaration.
It's time we stop pretending "Betty or Veronica?" is a real question.
|Listen closely, you stupid son of a bitch.|
For one, you might call into question my admitted bias toward blondes. I acknowledge this and admit that it certainly plays a role in my personal decision, but I'm attempting to make this applicable to everyone, even those who might not be swayed by a swishy flaxen ponytail or sexy tousled waves of fragrant sun-kissed locks.
Moreover, we have to acknowledge that the Archie universe is a bizarre, sometimes anachronistic but sometimes modernized Everytown, and that the town and residents of Riverdale were created during a very different time with very different ideas.
|Forty feet to the east of Pop Tate's Chocklit Shoppe.|
|Dude, c'mon. Put in a little effort and you can live the dream.|
|In that spirit, I have no idea who this redhead is, but I like where this is headed.|
|"Here, dry your eyes with this chloroform-soaked rag while I fluff myself."|
|...I meant his lust for hamburgers. I don't have a clue what the fuck is going on here.|
So let's start with Veronica Lodge. Rich, bitchy Veronica.
|Wearing both her name and her initial. Even her tramp stamp just says "Me!"|
|"I'm also evidently a 'c-word,' though in these innocent times I have no idea what everyone means by that!"|
|Keep telling yourself that, you soulless succubus.|
As an adult, I can only imagine the sort of exciting missionary-with-the-lights-off fantasies Archie hopes to indulge in with her if she ends up winning him.
I never once read an Archie Comic that made Veronica seem like someone I'd even want to spend an afternoon with, let alone pine for in an erotic or romantic manner. She was always the wet blanket, complaining about the conditions and wearing fucking pearls and heels on camping trips and wondering why the burgers-and-fries diner didn't carry foie gras and quoting welfare statistics she read in Ann Coulter books.
So imagine my confusion when, on the very same page and often in the very same panels, I see Betty Cooper.
|Moron or no, Moose and I are definitely of a like mind on this one.|
|[Add caption if you can manage to think of something funny while looking at sexy tousled hair AND a swishy blonde ponytail, but never mind, it's obvious you can't]|
And maybe later you can give each other some examples of just how eager-to-please you both are.
|Role play optional, though this is as good a starting point as any.|
|Dude. Short of washing the garden's cucumbers in front of you, she couldn't give you more of an opening.|
|Fuck. That poor, poor girl.|